Several years ago, I was running Launch Generation, an immersive program on entrepreneurship, finance, and leadership for teens. During one session, I asked the group a simple question: “How do you decide if you want to be friends with someone? What traits are you looking for?” A 15-year-old raised his hand and said, “My mom always says that you can really only trust people who have money.”
The room went quiet. I paused and asked, “What do you think your mom means by that? And is that what you look for in friends?” He thought for a moment and said, “I don’t really know what she means. I want friends who can make me laugh and who do what they say they are going to do.”
I’ve thought about that moment often. I had met his mother, and I understood that her comment likely came from a place of protection. Families with significant wealth do have to think carefully about privacy, boundaries, safety, and trust. Many parents are trying to help their children understand that not everyone will have pure intentions, and that some relationships may become more complicated when money is involved. But left unchecked, a message meant to protect can become a message that distorts.
What she may have meant was, “Some people may be drawn to what you have, so pay attention to who you allow in your inner circle.” What he heard, or at least what he repeated, was, “You can only trust people who have money.” Those are very different lessons, as one teaches discernment and the other risks turning money into a proxy for character.
This distinction matters, especially for young people who are still forming their identities. Adolescence is not just a bridge between childhood and adulthood; it’s also a period of rapid brain, social, and identity development. A time when young people are forming relationships, testing independence, and building a sense of who they are becoming (National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine, 2019). Adolescents are already asking, often quietly: Who am I? Where do I belong? What makes me valuable? How do I know who to trust? In families of wealth, money can easily become tangled up in those questions.
Families do not only pass down assets; they pass down messages and belief systems. Young people learn about money not only through formal instruction, but also through what parents model, what families discuss, and what children experience directly. Over time, these lessons can shape financial attitudes, behaviors, and broader well-being (LeBaron & Kelley, 2021).
This is one reason language matters. Be careful who you trust. Do not let people take advantage of you. Remember how fortunate you are. We do not talk about money outside the family. You need to protect what others built. Many of these messages come from love. They are attempts to protect, prepare, and ground the next generation. But children and young adults may hear something more complicated. They may hear that people want something from them, that they are different, that their choices reflect on everyone, or that money is what makes someone safe, worthy, or successful.
In families of wealth, money is often present even when it is not named directly. It can shape decisions about education, friendships, careers, generosity, marriage, safety, responsibility, and independence. Pretending money does not matter will not make children more grounded. Silence can make money feel even more powerful, as if no one in the room is strong enough to talk about it.
At the same time, there is a difference between acknowledging the role wealth plays and allowing it to define the family story. When money becomes the main character, it can define people before they have had the chance to define themselves. A child becomes “the responsible one,” “the spender,” “the future leader” or “the one we worry about.” A family meeting becomes primarily about structures and decisions, rather than relationships, values, learning, and shared responsibility.
One matriarch once told me, “We have always been rich, and sometimes we have had money.” I love that distinction. She was not dismissing financial wealth, but she was keeping it in its place. A family can have money and still be poor in trust, joy, courage, purpose, or connection. A family can also experience financial uncertainty and remain rich in humor, resilience, generosity, faith, creativity, and love.
Money deserves a real role, and families should talk about it, understand it, and prepare for it. They should make thoughtful decisions about how it is earned, spent, shared, invested, protected, and given. But money should support the family story, not take it over.
Here are a few practices to consider.
Translate protection into guidance.
When families talk about wealth, many of the most common messages are rooted in protection. The intention is often sound, but the language can become too broad or too fear-based. Instead of saying, “People will try to take advantage of you,” consider saying, “It is important to notice whether people respect your boundaries, your time, and your decisions.” Instead of saying, “Do not tell anyone about money,” consider saying, “Money can bring up a lot of emotions for people, and we can help you think about what is appropriate to share, with whom, and when.” Instead of saying, “You can only trust certain people,” consider saying, “Trust is built through consistency, respect, and character over time.” Rooted in positive psychology, these reframes can help people feel confident in navigating tricky situations rather than spending their lives trying to avoid them.
In this way, the message shifts from fear-based avoidance to confidence and discernment. The goal is not to make young people suspicious of others, but to help them build the judgment, agency, and relationship skills they need to navigate complexity well.
Make implicit money messages explicit.
Every family has a money culture, whether it has been named or not. Children notice what is celebrated, what is avoided, what creates tension, and what seems to carry emotional weight. Consider asking: What did I learn about money growing up? What did I learn about people who had more or less than we did? What did I learn about privacy, generosity, work, success, and responsibility? Which of those lessons do I still believe? Which ones need to be updated? This can be done individually, between spouses or partners, or as part of a broader family conversation. The knowledge that we get to decide the messages and beliefs to carry forward can lower anxiety and increase a sense of control and autonomy.
Separate character from circumstance.
Wealth can create access, options, and security but it does not create character on its own. Families can help the next generation by naming the traits they value apart from financial success: honesty, follow-through, humility, humor, compassion, courage, work ethic, creativity, service, etc. This is especially important when talking about friendship, marriage, leadership, and family roles. If the only language young people hear is about protecting assets, they may understandably conclude that assets are the center of the story. A more grounded message is: We value ourselves and others for who they are and how they live. Money is something to understand and steward, not something that determines human worth.
Give money a role, not the lead role.
Money conversations are important. So are conversations about purpose, relationships, faith, community, learning, health, responsibility, and joy. If every family meeting, dinner conversation, or planning discussion eventually comes back to money, younger generations may absorb that money is the family’s primary organizing principle. Consider broadening the agenda. Ask about what family members are learning, where they are finding meaning, what responsibilities they want to grow into, and what kind of impact they hope to have.
Money is often most constructive when it answers a deeper question: What do we want this resource to make possible? A practical place to begin is with one question at your next family dinner or family meeting: What is one money message you heard growing up that helped you, and one that you may want to update?
That question can open a meaningful conversation. It creates room for gratitude and discernment. It allows family members to honor where a message came from without being bound by it forever. Money will always be part of the story, and the work is to make sure it is not the whole story.
References
LeBaron, A. B., & Kelley, H. H. (2021). Financial socialization: A decade in review. Journal of Family and Economic Issues, 42(Suppl. 1), 195–206. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10834-020-09736-2
National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine. (2019). The promise of adolescence: Realizing opportunity for all youth. The National Academies Press. https://doi.org/10.17226/25388